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Pivot Point

9/26/2016

25 Comments

 
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I quit my job last week. The leadership of the nonprofit start up I worked for decided to adopt a business model I felt ill-equipped to support, and I had to make a judgment call about whether to acquire the skills to implement the new objectives or bow out so they could find someone who already knows what he or she is doing. I decided to get out of the way.

As a single mother with three children, that felt/feels like a dumb thing to do, and I agonized over the decision. For days, I tossed and turned and prayed like my life depended on it, and then on a Wednesday morning, I walked into my boss's office and told her she would need to find someone else. I packed up my office the following Monday, turned in my parking card and key fob on Tuesday, and then I cried behind my sunglasses as I walked to the parking garage and drove away. I stopped at the grocery store to buy ingredients to make chicken soup for dinner--the ultimate comfort food, never mind it was 1000 degrees outside--and found myself standing in the produce section staring blankly at the bins of vegetables and herbs, unable to remember what I needed for a soup I've made hundreds of times. I stood there texting a friend until I could gather myself enough to remember the recipe and move on.

I am afraid, of course. Afraid of the unknown, afraid of not having the security of an employer and a benefits package and all of those things. Those kinds of life preservers have driven my decisions for a long time: my mother used to laugh when she told the story of talking with 20-year-old me about whether or not I thought my relationship with my high school sweetheart/college boyfriend was headed toward marriage in the near future. I told her, "Wherever it's going, he'd better make up his mind pretty soon. I'm going to have to figure out what to do about health insurance when I graduate."

(He proposed soon afterwards, we got married and had three children, and then we got divorced. Turns out he wasn't quite the insurance policy I wanted him to be.)

I am also more than a little alarmed at this most recent in what is starting to feel like a pattern of professional and personal failures. Some flawed understanding or belief is leading me to choose things that are wrong for me, and that undermines everything I'm trying to do to build a life for myself and the kids. I'm already managing a whole host of responsibilities for myself and three other human beings without a partner, which is hard enough on its own. Now I have to try to do it without a job--excuse me while I go throw up from the gravity of the situation. 

Yet even so...there is a glimmer of opportunity in all of this. In many ways I am more self-assured and confident than ever, and I have been chomping at the bit for a long time to do more of what I love. The safety net provided by my job also functioned as a restraint on my time and energy, and while working without a net is a serious, risky undertaking, it is also exhilarating. What is it that I really want? Where do I want my life to go from here? Maybe I can finally give myself permission to work through those questions instead of just putting one foot in front of the other and hoping everything will turn out okay.

It's no secret I've been running on adrenaline for years. I've neglected my health and well-being in my attempts to keep the ship afloat, and I have waged a war against time that I cannot win. It will neither slow down nor speed up according to my preferences, and I'm tired of life feeling like a malfunctioning treadmill. This feels like time to take a break, take a breath, and go back to the drawing board.

Scary as it is, this is a chance to pivot. Anchored by my children and their needs, I can change direction and follow a different path. One that maybe allows a little more flexibility for all of us; one that more fully engages skills and talents I've been aching to develop. It's a chance to disrupt the cycle of choosing the wrong things and learn how to reach for the right ones. It's a chance to grow.
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I'm writing this post on a flight home from a visit with friends that felt like divine timing even though we planned it weeks ago. We spent a long weekend doing what friends do: catching up with each other's lives, being present to each other in our struggles and fears, hoping and dreaming out loud. One of those hopes and dreams for me is to approach this liminal time with a sense of purpose rather than feeling like I'm flailing around, so we came up with an idea to keep me on track. Starting tomorrow, I'll be posting a series called "Pivot" to document a variety of experiences and reflections designed to help me take stock and chart my next course. I hope you'll join me; it should be an interesting ride.
25 Comments
Margie French
9/26/2016 02:51:47 pm

I want to be a little voice in your head telling you that this was not a failure. The job changed, and you were smart enough to see that what had originally been a good fit wasn't going to be that anymore. Excited to hear you might pause for a breath. Good for you.

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Emily Gordon
9/27/2016 11:31:33 am

Thanks, Margie. You have been that little voice several times now, and I really appreciate it.

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Allison
9/26/2016 03:07:38 pm

I am excited for you, Emily. Yes I am. :)

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Emily Paige Gordon
9/27/2016 11:32:09 am

Thank you! I'm mostly excited, too. :)

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Roger Hutchison link
9/26/2016 03:20:09 pm

Thank you for putting words around this. You are certainly not a failure. You are inspiring and brave - and you have a village that surrounds you and your amazing children. You've got this!

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Emily Gordon
9/27/2016 11:33:07 am

Thank you, Roger! You more than anyone else have given me so many opportunities to stretch and grow in some of these areas I want to develop. I'm glad to have you in my corner, and I hope you know I am always in yours as well.

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Jay Stailey
9/26/2016 03:21:22 pm

my, oh,my. You don't owe me a phone call, but you may call me if you need to visit, reflect, bounce an idea, or any other such. Love working with you in the short time since we met. Surrounding you with loving thoughts! Pivot well!

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Emily Gordon
9/27/2016 11:33:40 am

Thanks so much, Jay! I will definitely be in touch soon.

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Kate
9/26/2016 03:39:04 pm

Emily,
As I have grown knowing you and you heart felt wisdom has helped me in so many ways, I cannot and will not see any of your life passages as failures. We all have what ifs and why nots. You have had your why nots, what ifs and now it is time for your future why nots and what ifs. Life is certainly not a Merry Go Round with a brass ring. I do believe we have both figured that one out.
I know that what ever is in your future, you will do your damnedest to see it through.
I will follow you on your future endeavors knowing that you in the end will shine.
PIVOT ON!!

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Emily Gordon
9/27/2016 11:35:17 am

Thank you for this. Whatever kind of ride this is, I'm glad to be on it with people like you. Xoxo

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Barbara Metcalf
9/26/2016 04:08:30 pm

Emily, I am so proud of you! It takes courage to leave the safety net and go with your heart. Trust in God and the Universe to lead you to another path - a day at a time, my friend. I believe in you 1000%!!!!

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Emily Gordon
9/27/2016 11:57:55 am

Thank you, sweet friend!

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Jen
9/26/2016 05:55:29 pm

Always a fan, Emily! I hope your new job/career allows you to write!!!!!

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Emily Gordon
9/27/2016 11:58:18 am

Thanks, Jen! I hope so, too. :)

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Laura
9/26/2016 07:08:04 pm

Thank you for sharing your truth- it is powerful and inspiring! Let's go for a wallk-Keep stepping Emily❤️

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Emily Gordon
9/27/2016 11:58:58 am

Thanks, Laura! So glad we ran into each other today. :)

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Marie
9/26/2016 07:27:12 pm

So proud of you for the guts it took to make that move. I have no doubt you'll land on your feet. Remember you have a community around you that wants to see you thrive. Thanks for sharing your journey.

I have a college classmate who went through a period of transition like yours (truth be told many of us may think about it, just lack the chutzpah to take action like you did). She ended up writing a book, and helps women navigate those uncharted waters. http://yearofaction.com

I'm in your corner, cheering you on and excited to see what unfolds! xo

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Emily Gordon
9/27/2016 11:37:20 am

Thanks, Marie! I will definitely check out your classmate's work. I hope my experience will encourage others, too. That helps me remember to be honest about it when I'm tempted to sugarcoat things.

I appreciate your encouragement. Onward!

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Susan Grace
9/26/2016 08:44:47 pm

Courageous Emily! How awesome you are standing in your truth and honoring your soul. What an incredibly wonderful example for your children. When you listen like you have you will hear the next step. Blessings on your journey and I will look forward to our paths crossing soon <3

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Emily Gordon
9/27/2016 07:22:22 pm

Thank you, Susan Grace! One of the best parts of my job was seeing your radiant smile every week. I hope our paths will cross soon and often. Xoxo

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Debbie
9/26/2016 09:12:11 pm

Dear Emily,
I am sorry that the job did not workout - I pray that you can see whatever it is that God wants you to know, & that you will trust Him who loves you & your precious kids! Miss you! ♥️

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Emily Gordon
9/27/2016 07:23:17 pm

Thank you, Debbie! I miss you, too. It will all work together for good, that much I know for sure. Xoxo

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Randy Byrd link
9/27/2016 07:45:14 pm

Emily, as others have already noted, you are a part of a community that loves you. I admire your courage. These career changes can sometimes have a liberating effect. And sometimes the change works out for the best in unexpected ways. There is a story behind our landing in Houston, and one day maybe we can chat about it. Hang in there, faithful servant. We love you.

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shivani avasthi
10/1/2016 07:53:17 am

I know this is a few day late but , this post that you wrote kinda came at a really stressful point of my school career. I guess I'm really battling an intense fear of failure and idk I would never have the courage to just quit a job like that. But anyways, thank you I really needed to read this before a crazy weekend of studying for a really intense midterm week. I guess I really needed to read things not going your way isn't the end of the world.

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Emily Gordon
10/1/2016 09:25:21 am

It's great to hear from you, and I'm glad this was helpful headed into your midterms. It definitely isn't the end of the world when things don't go your way, but it sure can feel like it. The pressure of school and exams is intense, and I'm sure you're approaching everything with focus and hard work, which is all anyone could ask of you. You will be okay. Remember to spend time with your friends, spend as much time as possible outside (fresh air and sunshine really are magic), feed yourself good food, try to get some rest. Things will turn around. I'm rooting for you!

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